Alternate subhead: I'll take "Things Shakespeare didn't write" for $2,000, Alex.

So yeah, I'm doing what I do best: Jumping on the bandwagon long after it's left the livery stables. This is actually my first mock draft ever -- not just on this site, but genuinely ever. I've just never been a fan of them to be honest, and I usually disengage during the NFL's Silly Season that is the run-up to the draft (it helps that this is also when the EPL is in the thick of it). But it's a new regime so I figured, what the hell.

My initial thought had been to mock the mock drafts with a humor post wherein I, serving as GM of a new Roman League expansion team, the Bronzebeards, would draft the finest generals of the age (in the first round the Ahenobarbi select ... Scipio Africanus!). However, my surprise second pick, Publius Ventidius, wisely advised me to quit the field while I was ahead and do a traditional draft instead.

And, as befitting a member of the senatorial class, a traditional draft it is: No trades, just the straight-up picks where we're drafting. With gratitude for BuckeyeHawk, I used the Pro Football Network Mock Draft Simulator: https://www.profootballnetwork.com/mockdraft. Seven rounds, normal speed, solo mock draft for the Seahawks. Pretty straight forward. Oh and sorry, no links or embedded videos, no measureables from the Underwear Olympics, no copypasta from draft analysts, we're close enough to draft weekend that that shouldn't be necessary. Besides, Google is your friend (well it really isn't, but that's a story for another day). These are just my thoughts as the process played out last night, and written up for your hopeful enjoyment today.

Anyway! Here's the first 15:

• 1. Da Bears: Caleb Williams, QB, USC. Ho-hum.
• 2. Commies: Drake Maye, QB, North Carolina. Red Scare averted.
• 3. Patsies: J.J. McCarthy, QB, Michigan. Huh, I guess McCarthyism really is Patriotism after all.
• 4. Cards: Marvin Harrison Jr., WR, Ohio State. Another ho-hum as the run on QBs ends.
• 5. Lesser Harbaugh (hat tip to LCH): Malik Nabers, WR, LSU. Can't argue with this at all really. I just like saying Lesser Harbaugh.
• 6. G-Men: Jayden Daniels, QB, LSU. Really a no-brainer pick, which is fitting for the mindlessness of this franchise in giving Daniel Jones a pile of money.
• 7. T-Men: Olu Fashanu, OT, Penn State. First non-QB/non-WR off the board, and the big man fills a big need. I'd have probably gone Joe Alt, but either way the Titans get themselves a titan.
• 8. Dirty Birds: Dallas Turner, EDGE, Alabama. First defensive player off the board and it's exactly who I expected it would be.
• 9. Da Bears: Laiatu Latu, EDGE, UCLA. This seems like a reach, and with Odunze and Bowers still on the board I'd get Caleb a another weapon to go with Allen and Moore, but after all it is the Bears.
• 10. Jests: Joe Alt, OT, Notre Dame. Well, they do need to protect their investment, especially now that he won't be vice president, but Bowers and Odunze both falling out of the top 10 is surprising. Can they make it to 16?
• 11. Skøls: Quinyon Mitchell, CB, Toledo. Umm... what? Don't they need a QB more than a CB? Well I guess they'll be going a-Viking with Sam Darnold.
• 12. TRADE! Iggles: Terrion Arnold, CB, Alabama. Weird one for Philly, since there should still be Day 1 CBs at their native pick if that's what they're looking for (though Arnold's probably the best of the bunch). Love this for the Donkeys though since either Nix or Penix should be there at 22. (Sorry, didn't check the trade details beyond round 1, my bad.)
• 13: Rayduhs: Amarius Mims, OT, Georgia. Really! Another QB-needy team passing on a passer. (Spoiler alert: They do get theirs in the second, though I won't say who just yet.) I do love this guy's name though. What I love even more? Odunze and Bowers are still on the board, with just two to go until we're on the clock!
• 14. Ain'ts: Taliese Fuaga, OT, Oregon State. Woohoo! Woohoo! We'll get one of the two!
• 15. Ponies: Brock Bowers, TE, Georgia. This is a great pick for them, and an even better one for us, because it means ...

With the sixteenth pick in the 2024 NFL Draft, your Seattle Seahawks select ... Rome Odunze, WR, U-Dub!

The Fall of Rome to the Ides of the First Round is rather improbable, but then Fortuna works in mysterious ways. Even more of a mystery though is, how will this work? Obviously this gives us the best receiver room in the league and a tremendous future at the position going forward even with Lockett's almost certain retirement next year, but would we go to a run-and-shoot for a year? Geno'd better watch a lot of tape on Warren Moon's years with the Oilers (or the Edmonton Non-Oilers). But seriously, I think half the fanbase would be stoked by this, and the other half will just have to Coug it for a bit.

Anyway, back to the mock:

• 17. JAGs: Jared Verse, EDGE, Florida State. Meh.
• 18. Bungles: Brian Thomas Jr., WR, LSU. Okay seriously Cinci, do you have to copy us? Sheesh!
• 19. Lambs: JC Latham, OT, Alabama. Phew, am I glad they didn't take Newton or Murphy here -- or Fautanu. That would've sucked. But speaking of ...
• 20. Stealers: Troy Fauntanu, OT, U-Dub. Well that's the pits.
• 21. Fins: Johnny Newton, DT, Illinois. Great pick for them. Can't wait to see him introduce himself to Karen Rodgers.
• 22. Donkeys: Byron Murphy II, DT, Texas. I mean, I'm not laughing at the dude himself, but, um, there is this thing called the forward pass. I know they once had Tim Tebow, but they had a couple of other guys who were pretty good at it. But, well, let's just say it gets even better.

Not gonna list or comment on all the rest of the league, but for the record, Bo Nix went to the Vikes at 26. Whether he'll be much better than Darnold though, I don't know. Oh and the Whiners grabbed Tyler Gyton, OT, Oklahoma to protect the Purdyboy, and the Chefs continue to believe they can win Super Bowls without drafting a WR on Day 1 as they took Kingsley Suamataia, OT, BYU. They did get Xavier Worthy, WR, Texas though at 36 so that's pretty close. Also noteworthy in the second round: Penix finally goes off the board at 44 as the Rayduhs take him as feared. Good luck man, you'll need it. Oh and no QB for the Donkeys, they took a safety. Which they'll be doing a lot at this rate during the regular season.

Finally the 'Hawks are back on the clock at 81, and this was by far the toughest call of the draft for me. Do I reach and take Sweat here, knowing he almost certainly will be gone by 102 and so too could be the other big butt out of Texas that's not a senator? There's also Kris Jenkins or Junior Colson out of Michigan, they're both still on the board somehow. But then I look at the O-line and suddenly I remember I'm not JS, I'm Gnaeus and I'm running this draft room, so what do I do?

With the eighty-first pick in the 2024 NFL Draft, your Seattle Seahawks select ... Christian Mahogany, OG, Boston College!

So I can't say I've ever seen this guy outside of his clips, but he seems like a real beast. I have no idea if he'd fit in with what Grubb has planned for the O-line, and I realize he was from a run-heavy program and we'd have to be pretty darn pass-happy if we took Odunze, but Mahogany was BPA at a position of need (bUt LaKeN tOmLiNsOn!) so that's where I went. As for the Donkeys, they went RB. I am not making this up. Next!

With the one-hundred-and-second pick in the 2024 NFL Draft, your Seattle Seahawks select ... McKinnley Jackson, DT, Texas A&M!

There's our big butt! No doubts on this one for me, I'm running to the podium for this dude who gets to plug the hole in the middle of our D-line from day one. Now, will my super-secret draft crush be there later when we're on the clock later this round?

With the one-hundred-and-eighteenth pick in the 2024 NFL Draft, your Seattle Seahawks select ... James Williams, LB, Miami!

He was! This guy has serious Deathbacker vibes. A 6-foot-5, 230-some-pound safety that's projected to be a linebacker but could fit that Kyle Hamilton role if he lives up to his potential. He fits the profile anyway, and with some time to develop him under the guy who coached Hamilton, who knows, but he'll get his shot. That'll be the theme going forward the rest of Day 3 for me, is high-ceiling dudes who could be starters in a year or two.

Oh and uh, still no QB for the Donkeys. They took two OTs, a CB and a TE between rounds 4 and 5. Going back to the single wing I guess. Good for them. On to the next one!

With the one-hundred-seventy-ninth pick in the 2024 NFL Draft, your Seattle Seahawks select ... Curtis Jacobs, LB, Penn State!

I know, two LBs in a row, but Jacobs is your more traditional off-the-ball linebacker whereas Williams is the hybrid. A coverage LB is something we'll need and Jacobs is in that model, and to get him in the sixth is pretty good I think. As for our other sixth rounder ...

With the one-hundred-ninety-second pick in the 2024 NFL Draft, your Seattle Seahawks select ... Joe Milton III, QB, Tennessee!

Taking a total flyer on this guy, who has all the tools to be a starting NFL QB, but can he get his head in the game? Sky's the limit, but he's got a lot to learn. Thankfully he should have the time as he wouldn't even be the backup in this situation, though it will mean having to carry three QBs.

Speaking of QBs ... hey the Donkeys finally got one! At 207, they took Carter Bradley out of South Alabama. I know absolutely nothing about this guy, or South Alabama. Can Alabama get even more South? Well, at least they won't have to have a WR play QB now.

And finally, with the two-hundred-thirty-fifth pick in the 2024 NFL Draft, your Seattle Seahawks select ... Isaac Rex, TE, BYU!

Not really sure about this one to be honest, he'll probably be available as a UDFA, but I see this as another high-ceiling pick. He killed it his freshman year, but then broke his ankle and kind of faded after that, but he's another one who has all the tools to play the position, if he can put it together. And we'd have yet another name to add to our tight end room of biblical proportions, so there's that.

All right, here's the tl;dr version:

2024 Seattle Seahawks NFL Draft Class

16 (R1). Rome Odunze, WR, University of Washington.

81 (R3). Christian Mahogany, OG, Boston College.

102 (R4). McKinnley Jackson, DT, Texas A&M.

118 (R4). James Williams, LB, Miami.

179 (R6). Curtis Jacobs, LB, Penn State.

192 (R6). Joe Milton III, QB, Tennessee.

235 (R7). Isaac Rex, TE, BYU.

Eunt Accipitres!